Not sure if there is a 'Groan' emoji, probably needs one ;) :bye
I have decided to leave my past behind me,
so if I owe you money I'm sorry.. But I've moved on.
Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it still fits, So proud of myself.
It was a pair of socks, But still let's be positive here
People are climbing mountains & zip lining & I'm feeling good I got my leg through my underwear without falling down.
The fact that Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.
Electric vehicle owners should ONLY be allowed to charge their cars using solar and wind power, otherwise it's just pretend.
My neighbour with huge boobs has been walking around topless all day in the garden.
I wish his wife would do the same.
I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage.
Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
They're finally making a documentary about the world's most famous clocks.
It's about time.
My boss hates it when I shortened his name to Dick.
Probably because his name is Steve.
When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.
They're usually, "I'm sorry. You're right."
Whenever my wife is upset, I let her colour in my tattoos.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
Why did the non-binary prospector head out west?
There was gold in them/their hills.
I asked a German girl for her number and I'm still waiting for the rest of the digits.
So far, all I have is "nine".
The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a life peerage.
He'll now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. Quick, pee on it."
Husband: (peeing on jelly fish) "That's for stinging my wife!"
My therapist told me I need to stop making up scenarios in my head,
which is weird because I don't even have a therapist.
Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs aren't one of them.
Some people exercise every day.
Right now, I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
Shout out to everyone who can still remember every word to some random 80's song but can't remember the password they created yesterday.
An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
Operator: "Where?"
Caller: "No, a regular one!"
Interviewer: Your CV says you're quick at maths, What's 17x19?
Me: 36.
Interviewer: That's not even close.
Me: But it was quick!
Why do witches wear name tags?
So they can tell which witch is which.
It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.
I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
Someone stole my identity... and then sent it back with £100 and a note that said:
*So sorry man. Hope things work out."
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you.
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine.
You don't realise how many back roads your town has until you ride with someone that has a suspended license.
I've decided I'll never get down to my original weight and I'm okay with that.
After all, 7 Ibs. 2 oz. is just not realistic.
I haven't seen my twin brother since I left Australia.
We were separated at Perth.
Just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my car....
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Told my boss I was going to the bathroom but didn't say which one.
Now I'm at home
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard.
I can't wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Arguing with my wife is like reading a Software License agreement.
In the end you have to ignore everything and click "I agree".
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex".
She replied: "At least it'll be quick."
Dear Black Friday, we all have giant TV's,
How about putting groceries on discount instead.
This morning, I accidentally changed the sat nav Voice to "Male."
Now it just says, "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving."
Wife texts on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts: "Gently pour lukewarm water over it and then tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back: "Computer really messed up now."
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
To all these athletes who think we are listening to them: if I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball, I would ask my dog.
My house is haunted by a chicken.
I plan to call an eggsorcist to help it cross to the other side.
I used to think being at home doing nothing all day was boring, but as an adult it's literally my definition of a good day.
My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.
"What are your dogs' names?"
Me: "Calvin and Klein."
"Isn't that a brand of underwear?"
Me: "Exactly, they're boxers."
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn."
I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
You can't give away a used mattress but somehow we'll pay £100 a night to sleep on one at a hotel.
I wanna be 16 again so I can ruin my life differently.
I have new ideas.
Hackers need to step their game up and delete everyone's loans, bad credit and mortgages.
Me: It doesn't have a tail, so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster...
Somebody asked me what to do with leftover bacon.
I'd never heard of such a thing.
I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....
So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.
My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument where I was winning.
It was a booby trap.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor...
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he'll waste hundreds of pounds on equipment he'll only use a few times a year.
I already know how it will end...One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
It's true that exercise helps with decision making.
I went for a run this morning and decided never to do that again.
Just asked my 9-year-old son what he learned in school today.
He said, "apparently not enough because l have to go back tomorrow".
My grief counselor died.
He was so good I don't even care.
Why is there always a shop selling luggage at the airport? Who is going on vacation,
carrying armfuls of clothes, saying, I'll pack when we get there?
So you mean to tell me a stress ball is not for throwing at people who stress you out.
So after arguing for an hour with a man who said I was in his seat, he finally said..
"OK, YOU fly the plane!"
I took my 8-year old daughter to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day."
As we were walking around the office she started crying. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed,
"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope.
Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.
You know what annoys me is when you go round to someone's house and they make you take your shoes off at the front door.
9 times out of 10 they don't even have a bouncy castle.
My horse will only come out of her stable after dark.
She's becoming a night mare.
I was sitting here eating lunch when I realised: cottage cheese is not actually, in reality, a cheese.
It's just a curd to me.
Just before I pass away, I'm going to swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels... just to make the cremation a bit more exciting.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
I always set two wake up alarms: one for the person I want to be, and one for the person I am.
The coffee shop had a sign that said "No WiFi, pretend it's 1973!" So, I paid 10p for my coffee and lit a cigarette.
Don't wear headphones while vacuuming. I've just finished the whole house before realising that the vacuum wasn't plugged in.
Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.
Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only weird if you say it backwards.
I did some financial planning, and it looks like I can retire at 97 and live comfortably for 11 minutes.
For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
Karate is just an aggressive way of making people smell your feet.
I hate when I'm singing a song and someone corrects me.
What if I'm doing a remix?
Two men are on opposite sides of the river. The first man shouts, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other man shouts back, "You ARE on the other side of the river."
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today.
I said that's the last thing I need.
I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan.
You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.
Started a new job as a delivery man today. When I got to my first address there was a sticky note on the door saying,
"Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in garage."
That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me.
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet...
As long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.
So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight".
She said: "Try it with the tongue out"
I said "It'th nho ghood, itth thill thoo thight".
Which letter keeps pirates calm?
P. Without it, they are irate.
If dentists make their money off people with bad teeth,
why should I trust a toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?
I was going to cook alligator for dinner...
but I realized I only had a croc pot.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese, and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
Apparently this week it will be constant rane, hele, thundre, litnin and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of whether.
My wife and I have started role playing in the bedroom, her favourite is 'Sexy librarian'
where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.
My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton, and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke.
No one found that humerus.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg
My wife and l are in bed. She caressed my neck, my chest, then my thigh.
I asked her why did she stop. She said she found the remote.
:)
There are some good ones in there :rofl1