Some one liners to cheer you up

[Dave]

"I wanted to be a milkman, right - but I didn't have the bottle!!"

"I've played football on a plane you know....there I was, running up the wing!!!"

"Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"

"So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!' "

"This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police - they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!' "

"I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambing!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!'

"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'

"I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift."

"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"

"I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'

"I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel!!!! "

"A man came up to me and cut the bottom of my trouser leg off and send it to the library. So that was a turn-up for the books."

"You know how most barbers' chairs go up and down? Well this one went from side to side. The barber turned to me and said: 'Mr. Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.' "

"I've got a sponge door....don't knock it."

"I've got an auntie, Auntie Aircraft Gun. That woman don't half give me a load of flak."

"So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a cross breed!!"

"I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung."

"So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'"

"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"

"I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume
control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?"

"I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts!"

"So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!' "

"I was driving down the motorway and someone rang me up on my mobile to say that I'd been promoted to a director. I was in such a shock that I skidded to the left. Later, they rang back and said that I was now the managing director, so I veered the car to the right. Finally, they rang up and said that I was the chairman, and I drove right into the hard shoulder. Yes, I'd careered off the road!!!"

"I'd like to start with the chimney jokes – I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house."

"I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation."

"I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death."

"I rang up British Telecom and said: 'I want to report a nuisance caller.' He said: 'Not you again.'"

"I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'"

"The advantages of easy origami are two-fold."

"I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"I was reading a book – 'The History of Glue' – I couldn't put it down."

"I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"Exit signs? They're on the way out!"

"Velcro? What a rip-off!"

"I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?' I said 'No, just a watch.'"

"I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver."

"I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'"

"I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P-something T-something R..."

"I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, 'How many potatoes would you like, Tim?'. I said 'Ooh, I'll just have one please.' She said 'It's OK, you don't have to be polite.' 'Alright,' I said, 'I'll just have one then, you stupid cow.'

"A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!"

"I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: 'What does surrender mean?' I said: 'I give up!'"

"This bloke said to me: 'I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.' I said: 'Is that a fret?'"

Thanks to Tim Vine